Dementia challenges us in our concept of what it means to love. Love is many things, shaped in many ways, and it means different things to different people. Yet, “to love” is a verb that is inhabited by action and intention. When there’s a fire, some people have great courage and run toward it; others have great fear and run away. Neither response is more right or wrong. Still, I wouldn’t want a reluctant or unskilled firefighter at my burning home!
I recently asked a caregiver if a family member loved their person who was journeying through dementia. I pointed out that love means showing up, it means being present to the loved one’s suffering. This is compassion. To love is to act within that love, to be the agent of compassion. This idea appears repeatedly in literature throughout time. This does not imply complete selflessness, for caregivers must also be certain to take good care of themselves. It is a balancing act, that is certain, and yes, “it takes a village.” If you don’t have one, create one. Find those who will help you. You will need your Helpers.
Some families have fissures that can be navigated in the interest of their loved one, sometimes with the help of a skilled therapist. Other families are more broken, fractured by such problems as substance abuse, or rivalry and binary thinking, for example. Such trouble or conflict that is not in the best interest of a loved one experiencing dementia can interfere with them getting steady, committed, quality care. Such kinds of problems are difficult to cope with when it comes to dementia striking a family. Dementia is fluid, not fixed, and it is a crisis that will throw a family into sudden, absolute emergency when a loved one’s simple forgetfulness turns into getting lost while driving, or no longer being able to prepare a meal or operate the coffee maker, or even butter a slice of bread.
There are many ways to traverse the difficulties and hilarities dementia will present. It is best to let a capable family member help when possible, and to support that member in all their assistance. It helps to know things will go better when you can think outside of the box, drawing on that creative thinking and compassion which are a caregiver’s best tools, easily employed, because they come from a place of active love. Certainly, not all have the emotional intelligence, time, or proximity to travel with their loved one through the dementia journey. But for the compassionate, the willing, and those who have the courage to run toward, it can be a profoundly rewarding experience.