I saw Stephen Colbert some months ago talking about improvisation with one of his guests. He related how, during his time learning improvisation at Second City, the key to keep a skit going was yes-and thinking. That is, a topic was proposed; say, “You’re stuck in an elevator.” From there, actors would have to improvise using “yes-and” thinking: “[Yes, and] I just finished a large coffee!” one might start. And so on…. Sometime around 1980, in my early 20’s, I was at Dudley Riggs’ Brave New Workshop, the Comedy Club in Minneapolis. I don’t remember the skit, but the actors proposed a situation and asked for a suggestion from the audience. I yelled out “super glue!” and the rest for me is a memory of uproarious laughter.
It strikes me that truly skilled caregivers are naturally excellent improvisors. They engage in creative, “outside the box” thinking; thinking that is yes-and. Psychotherapists and motivational speakers often talk about “yes-and” communication as a way to address conflict or other difficult situations.
-We’re in a mess here with Dad’s dementia!
-Yes, and we’re going to figure out what to do.
-But you don’t know the first thing about it!
-Yes, and we will both put our heads together and work on it with each other.
-But we always argue about everything!
-Yes, and we might still, but we can try to prioritize Dad’s care. You have good research skills.
-That’s true.
-Yes, and you could start looking into care costs and I will take Dad to the doctor.
-I suppose that would get something rolling.
-Yes, and when we have more information we can make the next decision, and then the next.
-Okay.
-Good. Thanks.
OR:
-I’ve lost my watch again.
-Oh, I see. What should we do about this since you keep losing it?
-Well don’t blame me! Somebody stole it again and I have to find it!
-Yes, and when we do I think we might buy a special fire safe for all your jewelry so nobody will take it from you again.
-Oh! I don’t want a special safe!
-Yes, and that makes a lot of sense to me. It’d be too big. Maybe we should get you a box just for jewelry.
-Like the one I have in my bedroom.
-Yes! What a great idea! And when we find your watch we can put it inside the box and put the box on top of the refrigerator so your watch will never get stolen again.
-But I can’t reach up there.
-Yes, and then you can ask me, and I will help you.
-But I’d rather use my own jewelry box.
-What a great idea! Yes, and let’s go get it for you, then!
-Ok.
-But first, let’s find your watch okay?
-Okay. Here it is! In my pocket!
When you are faced with a difficult situation, just try saying “yes/and” in your mind and see if it helps you come up with a solution that is good for both you and your loved one. You don’t have to say it out loud. Just practice a little. Maybe find a friend to role play with you. Do it often enough and you will probably start to do better, and feel better, during difficult situations with your loved one who has dementia.